Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
