I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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