The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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