i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
