I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
