Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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