i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
