$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
