I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
