Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
