Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
