Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
