I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
