I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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