My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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