You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
