I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize