Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I deserve this hangover.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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