How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
