Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
