guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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