apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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