I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
