Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
