Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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