Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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