I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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