I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
