i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
