If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
even my farts smell like vagina
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
