evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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