how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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