People with herpes should wear stickers.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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