so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize