Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
