i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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