No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize