Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
