the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
