K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
