I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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