it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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