does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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