Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
