seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
