mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
