Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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