What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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