i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
