dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
