Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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