i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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