So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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