Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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