I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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