I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
