When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
