it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize