She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
