I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
