Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
