Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
